I just wanted to say thank you to The Loss Project for allowing me some space to write about grief and loss
My name is Brett and I became aware of The Loss Project during lockdown. I turned up at a couple of their loss spoon rooms online and was very grateful for them to provide a space to talk about such things, there are not many places you can do this unless you signpost yourself to a local service or have really understanding friends, so it was much appreciated
Anyway, I have been feeling a lot of loss and grief recently, time that stood still throughout lockdown and the loss I have been feeling coming out of the other end and the loss of my Dad who passed at the end of January 2021. Both have had a significant impact on me personally and only find myself now, really processing some of it.
I work with people, listening and connecting them to themselves and others. I spent so much time doing this, that I wasn't listening to myself a lot of the time. In January 2021, my dad caught Covid and went into Hospital, which was a shock at the time. He spent 12 days in there and finally passed on the 30th of January, it was a very traumatic time for my family looking back now. I wasn't ready, I really wasn't.
Since his passing, which has only been just over a year, I have found myself quite unachored and a bit lost. My relationship with my Dad wasn't always that positive, but over the past few years It had improved a lot. He was a great man and as children, he always put food on the table, worked hard and was a constant in my life and in the life of my Mum, brother and sister.
As a child I looked at my Dad a lot, his physical presence in the home, what he did and growing up became him really, I am his son after all. When I got older and I joined the Army, he was very proud of me and he was until he passed I would think. I haven't experienced really close people to me passsing before, apart from my Gran when I was 18, whom I miss a lot and have a lot of fond memories of spending time with her when I was really young. I visit her on a regular basis where she is buried in Melbourne, Derbyshire.
When people close to us pass, we question our own mortality and that has really hit home recently questioning what I am doing and where I am going right now? The grief really does come in waves, I can find myself sitting at home and just crying and allowing the grief to come in and flow out of me, which I believe is a very healthy way of processing it, but, can still came as a shock when it happens. Why did that happen just now? Well, it just did Brett, It's fine
Recently, my Mum has been sorting through some of my Dads clothes (he had a lot) at home, she felt she needed to do something with them but also recognised how difficult it was, saying to me 'it feels I am letting go of your Dad'. I did say to her, that she can take her time and do what's right for her. I took 6 bags of my Dads clothes home with me and said to my Mum, I can donate them to a local project that are desperate for Mens clothes, so they will be passed on and used
It was a strange feeling to take the clothes and have them in my house, he did have a lot, more than me! I did manage to donate them in the end and it certainly felt weird knowing someone will be wearing my Dads clothes at some point, strange but makes sense really. I think my Dad would be absolutely fine with it to be honest. It it felt wrong, we wouldn't have done it.
This part of the grieving process has been difficult for me over the past few weeks, I feel rushed and a little been like 'time is running out' knowing I only have a limited time left here really can make you realise what is it that keeps us grounded? Music was my answer to that question, I had a moment where I thought, what If I never hear music again? At some point, I will not, it's a given.
Sitting with this can be really challenging as there is some belief in me (my Spiritual belief) that I will always be here and cannot imagine for one minute what It will be like not to be here, listening to music, seeing colours, eating tasty food, drinking coffee and watching films and how I love films! My Dad loved films too, I did wonder where that came from?!
There is an acceptance in me right now, that I loved my Dad in my own way, and he loved me in his own way too, we were both not great at being totally honest how we really felt back in the day. But, I do also feel that over the past few years before he passed that our relationship was so much better and he knew that I really did love him, because I did and still do.
Thanks for reading
With many thanks to Brett for his honest words and sharing them with us all. We really appreciate it and hope you enjoy reading too.